Texas Rangers
reviewed by: ReelReviewz@aol.com

MOVIE BIASES: This film's been delayed more times than my student loan repayment. It can't be that good.
MAJOR PLAYERS: Dylan McDermott (TV's "The Practice"), James Van der Beek (TV's "Dawson's Creek"), Ashton Kutcher (TV's "That '70s Show"), Usher Raymond (Light It Up), and director Steve Miner (Lake Placid).

This movie sucks. I'm gonna say that right now, to spare y'all the time of reading this review if your biases mirrored mine. The fact that this movie sucks was not a big surprise to me - nor should it be to you - but rather an affirmation on some of the vagaries of Hollywood (mis)marketing. If a movie 1) is moved more times Michael Jackson's nose; 2) has a boatload of TV stars who have yet to have a big screen hit; and 3) gets buried in a busy holiday release schedule without ANY kind of promotion, publicity, nor advance screenings for critics, what do you have? A film that sucks.

I guess the plot goes something like this (sorry; I fell asleep halfway through the second act - as will you all, I guarantee you): In post-Civil War 1875 Texas, bands of renegade bandits steal and loot and rape their way to infamy, spurring a recall of the once-mighty Texas Rangers to keep the peace. Led by broken down, dying former preacher Leander McNelly (McDermott) and educated Philadelphia do-gooder Lincoln Rogers Dunnison (Van der Beek), who wants to avenge the death of his parents, the Rangers take off in pursuit of the dastardly John King Fisher (Alfred Molina) to bring the banditos to justice.

And nobody cares. I know McDermott didn't, who, reportedly, didn't even learn how to ride a horse properly (and it shows; kinda important for a WESTERN). He is wholly unbelievable as a leader of ants, let alone as a leader of men. Van der Beek didn't care much, as his expressions change only from righteous indignation to not-so-righteous indignation. The awkwardly timid performance of the usually charismatic Kutcher is just bad direction (or a badly written character; take your pick) while Usher's freed Mississippi slave-turned-scout-turned-rifleman is downright unwatchable. His accent does an impressive, Costner-like disappearance after only one scene, too. Dimension obviously didn't care either, after having moved this movie's release date from April to August (of 2000!) to May to now.

What didn't suck in this movie? The script, courtesy of Scott Busby and Martin Copeland, is riddled with horrible dialogue. The editing is atrocious. Even the reliable Trevor Rabin, who has scored such films as "Armageddon," "Enemy of the State," and "Remember the Titans," seems to be using his B-sides for this musical score. And I won't even blame the director for most of this mess. What else can you expect from the man who brought us such schlock like "Lake Placid," and "Big Bully?"
But I will blame YOU if you go see this movie. How does the saying go? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. If you go see this movie you will see that there is plenty of shame to go around. You will have paid money to see a film that sucks.

@@@ REELS (THREE REELS)
It's pretty hot - go give it a shot.
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BIASES: mid 20s black male; frustrated screenwriter who favors action, comedy, and glossy, big budget movies over indie flicks, kiddie flicks, and weepy Merchant Ivory fare
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